Realisation
by fanficforyou
Summary: Brax's thoughts on his twenty year sentence and he reflects on what he'll be absent for during his time in prison (One-shot)


**Realisation**

 **Hi guys! Hope you're all okay! This is just a short one-shot about Brax reflecting on his sentence and I actually wrote it months ago but since it's been a really long time since I wrote this, I can't really remember what else I was going to include so I just had a quick read through and decided to post it!  
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 **The cover image of this one-shot is an edit that I made a while back, and posted on my Instagram account, of Steve's time as Brax on the show**

 **This is just one of many one-shots that I've already started or had ideas for and I hope to post them so keep an eye out! I would also appreciate it if you could read my other pieces:**

 **Life as a Braxton – Braxton sister who arrives in the Bay with Kyle**

 **Casey Braxton: Memories – one shots of Casey's life, open to prompts and ideas from readers**

 **I also have other one-shots published: Kyle Braxton – Without a Voice, Those Last Moments, Safe and Sound, Didn't Get to Say Goodbye and A Twist of Fate**

 **Please let me know your thoughts about this through a review – I hope you enjoy it!**

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 **Summary : Brax's thoughts on his twenty year sentence and he reflects on what he'll be absent for during his time in prison (One-shot)**

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Twenty years. Twenty years away from my family. Twenty years missing out on my son's life.

I knew this was a possibility and I knew it was going to become my reality when they found the money, when I pleaded guilty, when I took the fall for Ash and yet still, here now, staring at the four bare walls of this cell, I'm still shocked. Shocked at what has happened, shocked at how I have ended up here and shocked at the fact that I'm gonna be spending the next twenty years right here.

Despite everything I've been through, everything I've done to save my own brothers from jail and everything we've been through as a family, and it's ended up like this.

The silence in my cell allows my mind to wander, for me to think about what I'm going to miss out on, knowing there isn't one thing that I can do to change it. An appeal would be useless, no new evidence and no way to get Sam to confess now. And besides, I pleaded guilty – I knew what I was doing. All this time I'd done a good job of blocking out any possibilities after the trial, but now, here in this cell, the thoughts come flooding.

Firstly I see myself holding Ricky's hand tightly, reassuring her that everything is going to be okay as we await our son's arrival, then I see me holding him for the first time, his tiny hand wrapped around my finger with Ricky looking on at us as he opens his eyes and stares up at me. I picture bringing him home from the hospital and settling him in for his first night at home. I see us waking up for the night-time feed and trying to comfort him as he cries in the middle of the night. I see the three of us settling down into a routine, as a family. But all these images are just my imagination, I won't be there when Ricky gives birth, I won't be there for our son's first breath of life and I won't be there for the next twenty years of his life either. I can only imagine myself there with them, when really Ricky will be playing the role of both parents. I know Kyle will help out like he promised but it won't be the same.

Not only am I going to miss out on my son's birth, I'm also going to miss out on his first word, his first steps, his first birthday, his first day of school, helping with his homework, his first day of high school, his first girlfriend, graduating high school and getting his HSC. I won't be there to pick him up when he falls or teach him to surf. Just thinking about all those milestones in the first twenty years of his life that I'm going to miss makes me feel sick.

All these things I'm going to miss out on, I realise, is exactly what I did manage to be present for with Casey. I was a father, as well as a brother to both him and Heath, but more to Casey as he was younger and needed more guidance.

I was there when he was born, his first word was an attempt of my name, he took his first steps towards me, I took him to school for his first day and every day after that. I was the one who sat with him after school, helping him with his homework, the one who supported him through his dyslexia and the one who wanted to give him the best life possible, a better childhood that what Heath and I had had.

It occurs to me that in some way, it's like Casey and my son are two halves - I was present in Casey's youth, watching him grow up, but only for the nineteen years of his life and as I won't get the chance to watch Casey get married and have kids. However, I will miss out on the years I had with Casey with my son, but have the time I won't be able to have with Casey with my son.

I've not only let my son down, but I've let Ricky down too. A sigh escapes my mouth and I think about what this whole mess has done to her. I knew she was scared about being a mum, that she was worried she won't be good enough and I'd reassured her, telling her that she'd be the best mum and that I'd be there with her. How must she feel now? Let down? Angry? Upset? Abandoned? She might even see it as me choosing Ash over her, which isn't the case as I tried to explain to her but she didn't understand why I had to do this.

When I'm finally free of this place, would she still want to know me? I gave her the option of moving on but she refused straight away, promising to come and see me, with our son, regularly. But what if the weekly prison visits get too much? What if someone else, someone like Nate, could provide them a better and more stable life? Something that I can't – not for another twenty years.

My brothers, they understand more than Ricky does, they aren't necessarily happy about it but they get it. It brings me to think how much of their lives I'm going to miss too. By the time I get out, Kyle will be in his 40s – married and have kids of his own probably, with Phoebe or something different entirely. I can't imagine Phoebe settling down and having kids, but then neither could I imagine Heath doing the same. So not only was I robbed of seeing Casey get married and have kids when he was killed, but I'm going to miss the same milestones with Kyle who I've already missed out on so much with. Then there's Heath – who I can't believe is where he is today, out of all of us he was the first to get married, he's already settled down with Bianca, Darcy and Harley. I'm going to miss out on all of their lives too – maybe even Darcy's wedding.

All my life, family has been my priority – my brothers were my responsibility. When Ricky told me she was pregnant, I could see the three of us together, our own little family. But now, I've let her down, I've let him down. I realise, that despite my efforts all these years, I've become my dad. Not abusive but absent when it really mattered and when he did get out, he brought more trouble than good. Would my son hate me the same way I hated my dad? I shake my head in an attempt to remove those thoughts but to no avail – I know that I'd be coming back to those dark thoughts for the next twenty years. Already I can see my own profile merging into that of Danny Braxton.

Even before my son has even been born, I've become a failure as a father.

I close my eyes, just to block out the thoughts but the realisation remains in my head – I've already failed as a father.

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